Ramblings of the Unstable

Warning: Contents of this page may offend...intentionally.

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dear samantha
i’m sorry
we have to get a divorce
i know that seems like an odd way to start a love letter but let me explain:
it’s not you
it sure as hell isn’t me
it’s just human beings don’t love as well as insects do
i love you.. far too much to let what we have be ruined by the failings of our species

i saw the way you looked at the waiter last night
i know you would never DO anything, you never do but..
i saw the way you looked at the waiter last night

did you know that when a female fly accepts the pheromones put off by a male fly, it re-writes her brain, destroys the receptors that receive pheromones, sensing the change, the male fly does the same. when two flies love each other they do it so hard, they will never love anything else ever again. if either one of them dies before procreation can happen both sets of genetic code are lost forever. now that… is dedication.

after Elizabeth and i broke up we spent three days dividing everything we had bought together
like if i knew what pots were mine like if i knew which drapes were mine somehow the pain would go away

this is not true

after two praying mantises mate, the nervous system of the male begins to shut down
while he still has control over his motor functions
he flops onto his back, exposing his soft underbelly up to his lover like a gift
she then proceeds to lovingly dice him into tiny cubes
spooning every morsel into her mouth
she wastes nothing
even the exoskeleton goes
she does this so that once their children are born she has something to regurgitate to feed them
now that.. is selflessness

i could never do that for you

so i have a new plan
i’m gonna leave you now
i’m gonna spend the rest of my life committing petty injustices
i hope you do the same
i will jay walk at every opportunity
i will steal things i could easily afford
i will be rude to strangers
i hope you do the same
i hope reincarnation is real
i hope our petty crimes are enough to cause us to be reborn as lesser creatures
i hope we are reborn as flies
so that we can love each other as hard as we were meant to.

Jared Singer, An Entomologist’s Last Love Letter  (via byrdseed)

This made me cry

(Source: speioritur, via inez-krystal)

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Writing…I’ve missed Thee

It’s been so long since I’ve sat down and taken time to myself to just write. And I miss it.  Writing has been my outlet as long as I can remember.  I can still remember my first diary. It was pink with a little plastic lock on it. Of course the lock did absolutely nothing to protect the secrets of a 5th grader but I still put it on securely after every writing session like it did and placed it under my mattress for extra security.  Sometimes you just need a release. Writing is just that for me.  And oh how I’ve missed it.  As I sit here, tears start to swell up in my eyes as I began to think of all the things I want to write about and try to formulate the words to say exactly what I want to say.  I don’t even know where to begin. There is has been so much that I wish I would have written about at the time it happened because whatever I write now won’t accurately depict how I was feeling at that exact moment in time. Writing isn’t just a form of release but it’s my own little history book where I can go back and reference problems, solutions and learn to move past these things.  It’s been said that those who do not know their history are doomed to repeat it. I believe that to be true down to our own personal histories. I can say that I have made the same mistakes countless times. I can’t help but feel like it’s because I didn’t take the time to write, analyze and resolve.  I didn’t take the time to analyze why I was feeling the way and why I was feeling that way the best way I knew how to. Not only that, I didn’t have a time to write it down, get it over it and look back and be able to keep track of my growth. All of this because a person who I love and who’s opinion I value didn’t approve of it.  I allowed a part of me, a part of me that I loved so much to temporarily die.  And I felt the emptiness.  It’s a void that absolutely nothing can fill.  Even as I write now, I feel a surge of emotions come that I haven’t felt it so long. It’s overwhelming but welcomed.  I’m ashamed to say that I’ve barely picked up my Macbook in over a year, choosing to read e-books on my iPad instead of documenting my own life.  I’m disappointed in myself.  Almost 2 years of memories, joys and pains, that I haven’t written down to look back over and read over it. There are certain things that I will never forget that happened in this time. Feelings I will never forget. But from this day forward, I won’t neglect my writings. It’s important to me. It’s a part of me.

I’m back.

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spillageofthoughts asked: Re: Why So... Early?

I get what you are saying about living life and no regrets when you're older. Some people see potential in what they have at a young age. Do you have an age in mind that would be suitable for you to get that serious with someone?
Personally, I've got about a minimum of 6 years (I'm 20) before I want to get that serious with a person. And that's not even saying being married at 26, simply saying to the point that we contemplate, toy with or see the potential to do so. That is a HUGE step and American society no longer views marriage as something sacred; that's why everyone is just diving in. They've made it way too easy to get out of and it's just like playing house. We start then when we get tired we can call it quits and go back to doing whatever we were doing before you and I agreed to "be the mommy and you be the daddy."

I completely agree.  The fact that marriages only have a 50% success rate in today’s society shows that it’s no longer as sacred as it once was.  Why are we entering this “life long bond” with multiple people?  Seems a bit oxymoronic to me.  As far as your question, every since I was younger I said I wanted to get married around age 27.  That age still seems ideal for me, but I’m 21 and not currently seriously dating anyone.  Marriage doesn’t really seem to fit in my plan for the next 5 years either.  So between 27 and 30 I want to settle down  and get married, that way I still have time to enjoy my husband without children and then start a family while being stable but not looking like I’m my children’s grandmother lol.  I was told that it’ll be hard to find a man without any baggage (i.e. children, previously married, etc.) at that age but I believe there are plenty of men out there with my same mindset and one shall find me.  In the mean time, you can find me living life. 

btw…I realized I posted on my wrong account (fail whale) lol sooo follow http://lustingtolove.tumblr.com for more posts about dating and such.  Thanks for the response too! 

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Why So….Early?

So it seems like so many people are getting engaged.  This scared thee shit out of me.  I wouldn’t say I have a fear of commitment but at the young age of just 21, the thought of marriage has not even crossed my mind. Not seriously at least.  I mean I’ve thought about it as every girl has, but I don’t see that in my near future. Yet there are people my age who are taking that next step.  That’s all an dandy but I can’t help but question why.  To each it’s own I suppose.  

In my opinion, I don’t think people should settle down so young.  I’m a firm believer in sowing your wild oats. For me that includes traveling…partying…kickin it! All of this without the worry of having to report back to someone.  I want to experience things in life that you need to do while you’re single because doing them while you’re tied down won’t give you the same experience.  I think this comes from my mother as well.  She settled down with my father at the age of 18 and 10 years later was over it because she didn’t live life before she settled down.  I don’t want to do that.  I want to get everything out of my system before I get married so I won’t live with any regrets. 

While I don’t agree with settling down so early, I suppose if you find that person then you feel like why wait? Maybe it’s that I haven’t found that person. But I just want to live life to the fullest and then settle down….then live life to the fullest some more with my husband.  But forever is a long time so I don’t mind getting a slightly late start on it.  

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Day 8 

A picture that makes you laugh

So I was leaving out of my chorus class my senior year of high school and waked upstairs to find this on a locker.  First, yes…those are underwear on someone’s locker. Second, the note left was even funnier! I do believe it read “Dave, You left this at my house Saturday. We have to be more careful about these things. My dad is putting ???, Love (not sure).

I’m not sure if this was a prank or serious (you never know at alma mater) but one thing for sure is I crack up every time I see this picture.

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Day 7

Yea i forgot to do one yesterday….but I was in a bad mood so I’m doing both days today! judge me lol 

Day 7 is supposed to be a picture of your closest treasure. Well I chose this picture because it shows me giving out my closest treasure to a friend. My Love.  A treasure is something you should hold on to right? But what’s the use of being selfish? I love to share so i share my treasure, my love with everyone.  It’s the most precious thing I have to give. 

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Day 6 

I mean…who wouldn’t want to trade places with this?!  Only concern is who’s going to feed me when I’m hungry. She has no responsibility whatsoever.  She doesn’t even have to be responsible for going to the bathroom! She just pooped on herself and waits for you to clean it up. Oh to rewind time. Not have a care in the world….just laying there being a-freaking-dorable! I want to spend a day as Chloe…my beautiful little diva of a niece! 

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Day 5 

My Favorite Memory 

This was my last day in L.A.  I’d gone to the funeral of my great grandmother who’d live a long, full life.  My parents decided that we would just stay a week and enjoy LA since we’d be out there.  At LAX I saw one of my favorite dancers from So You Think You Can Dance Ade!! The week was extremely fun and meeting my favorite dancer that season was the icing on the cake.